Linguistics In the News...
New York Times
With Sound From Africa, the Phonetic
Alphabet Expands
By MICHAEL ERARD
Published: December 13, 2005
For the first time in 12 years, the International Phonetic Association is
amending its official alphabet. A sound called the labiodental flap will be
granted its own letter, one that looks something like a v with a hook.
OFFICIAL RECOGNITION A sound present in more than 70
African languages has been included in the International Phonetic
Alphabet of 28 vowel symbols, 86 consonant symbols and 75 other marks
for tone, stress, aspiration and other phonetic details. The sound, the
labiodental flap, is the first to be added to the alphabet in 12 years.
The sound, a buzz sometimes capped by a faint pop, is present in more than
70 African languages. It is produced by the lower lip moving back and forward,
flapping on the inside of the upper teeth.
"The labiodental flap sound is as important as any other sound to speakers
of languages that use it," said Peter Ladefoged, emeritus professor of
linguistics at the University of California, Los Angeles. "Think how Americans
would protest if there were no way of transcribing the vowel in 'bird,' which
in the usual U.S. pronunciation is almost as rare among the sounds of the
world's languages as the labiodental flap."
Until now, linguists have recorded the sound with made-up symbols, usually
the letter v modified by accents. The venerable phonetic alphabet was
established in 1886, and now, after slow increments of change, includes 28
symbols for vowels, 86 for consonants and 75 other marks for tone, stress,
aspiration and other phonetic details.
One of the most recent sounds to win a symbol was the bilabial click, used
in two African languages. The labiodental flap is much more widely used but
took longer to be recognized.
One reason, said Dr. Ladefoged, is that clicks, often considered to be the
most exotic of speech sounds, have been noticed by Europeans since the 17th
century. They also occur in politically important languages like Zulu and
Xhosa.
"None of this is true about labiodental flaps," Dr. Ladefoged said in an
e-mail message. "Even now, some people think they are a minor effect in a few
words in a few languages."
Last spring, he encouraged Kenneth S. Olson, a linguist at SIL
International who has studied the extensive use of the labiodental flap in
Africa, to propose officially that the sound, first observed in 1907, have its
own symbol.
SIL International is a Christian organization based in Dallas that studies,
documents and helps in developing lesser-known languages.
Dr. Olson encountered the sound while conducting research in Congo and had
performed extensive acoustic analysis to determine that the sound was, in
fact, a flap, not a fricative consonant like the "f" of English. Nor did it
involve a sharp intake of air like the clicks.
The new symbol had been recommended by a fellow linguist, Geoff Pullum, who
described it "as if a fishhook R had been slammed leftward into a lowercase v
so hard its vertical had merged with the right leg of the v, and the dangly
bit had been left hanging there like the drain pipe out of an upstairs toilet
in a partially demolished building."
In June, Dr. Olson received a note from the association, informing him that
the proposal had been voted on and accepted. Mono speakers are pleased, Dr.
Olson said. "The idea of an I.P.A. symbol would offer some prestige to the
language, that this oddity is valued by people around the world."
Other language oddities wait for their moment. There is a bilabial trill in
two Brazilian languages, Oro Win and Wari' (phonetics.ucla.edu/appendix/languages/orowin/orowin.html)
and what Dr. Ladefoged called "hissing-hushing fricatives" of Ubykh, once
spoken in Turkey (phonetics.ucla.edu/appendix/languages/ubykh/ubykh.html).
Dr. Olson plans to visit the Philippines to study a sound that speakers
produce by sticking their tongues out of their mouths, a sound that outsiders
ridicule.
Dr. Olson says an official symbol might raise the status of the sound and
the people who pronounce it, though perhaps not with the symbol from rock 'n'
roll marketing he jokingly proposed - the Rolling Stones' lips.
Go
to article in New York Times Website
_____________________________________________________________________
Jokes
"I tell you,
that woman knows how to keep folks in line - I remember this one time, she told
a guy who wouldn't pay his dry cleaning bill he'd better 'come clean,' " a
chuckling Bush told reporters at his ranch Tuesday, adding "That was a good one.
'Come clean.' See, that's funny because it was a dry cleaner. Good stuff."
Finnish as a world
language. Scientific jargon.
A plan for the improvement of English spelling.
How I met my wife. The importance of correct punctuation.
Daffynitions. Barbie's
sex life. Hell- exothermic or endothermic.
Lexical ambiguity meets Beethoven's
ninth. The writing on the wall.
Quayle-speak. How to cook a turkey.
Funny signs
in Britain. Sarchasm and related terms. Rules for writing good.
Worst analogies
(taken from high school papers).
Finnish as a world
language?
by Richard Lewis (From: Sesquipedalian Vol III numbers 8-11)
Is it now the time for
Finnish to take its place as the international language? It is obviously
difficult to answer this question with certainty. At the moment there seem
to be several factors which would hinder such a development. First
of all, Finnish is currently spoken by a mere 0.05% of the world's
population; secondly one cannot learn the language in ten easy lessons;
thirdly, a large number of Finns still do not understand it.
Although the
advancement of Finnish has been a bit slow, there are Finns who point out
the following advantages Finnish would have as a world language:
1. It is an essentially logical language. The rules are absolute and
reliable in all situations, except exceptions.
2. It is a good
sounding language; in other words, it is pleasing to the ear. This has to
do with its wealth of vowels, which rules out ugly consonant clusters. It
was recently suggested that some vowels should be exported to
Czechoslovakia, where shortage of vowels is imminent, and that some Czech
consonants should be imported to Finland. However, negotiations collapsed
at an early stage.
The Finns would not
deal with a language that calls ice-cream 'zrmzlina,' while the Czechs in
turn distrusted a language that calls it 'jäätelöä.'
3. It is a concise
language. One Finnish word can mean several different things in English.
Why lose time and energy saying 'the committee that takes care of
negotiations concerning the truce' when you can use a simple little word
like
'aseleponeuvottelutoimikunta?'
4. Learning Finnish
builds confidence. If you can learn Finnish, then you can learn anything.
5. Finnish has longer
and better swear words than any other language.
In light of these facts
we can see that the introduction of Finnish as a world language would be a
blessing to all mankind. The problem we now face is how to convince the
remaining 99.95% of the global population to learn Finnish. We hope the
world can receive the benefit of our own experience with the language.
After a few months of intensive (and sometimes downright desperate)
research we have developed a method of fording this linguistic barrier
which has so far proved to be one of the world's most formidable ones.
Nouns and Their Cases
Remember,
self-confidence is the key to success. Never hesitate. When you are about
to use a noun, always reflect according to the following pattern:
· Which is the
corresponding noun in Finnish?
· Singular or plural?
· What case?
Nominative, accusative, genitive, essive, partitive, translative, inessive,
elative, illative, adessive, ablative, allative, abessive, comitative or
instructive?
· Is it possible to
avoid using the noun?
After you have
contemplated this during the proverbial fraction of a second, take a deep
breath and pronounce the first half of the noun in a huge, booming voice.
Then gradually weaken the voice so that by the time you pronounce the case
ending, it is only in a
hoarse whisper. This method of demonstrating your mastery of case usage is
completely safe since, although you cannot prove that you were right,
nobody, Finn or otherwise, can ever prove that you were wrong. Above all,
look confident.
Numerals
Superficially, there
are few similarities between the Finnish and English systems. For example:
yksi one
kaksi two
kolme three
neljä four
viisi five
kuusi six
seitsemän seven
kahdeksan eight
yhdeksän nine
kymmenen ten
A closer inspection,
however, reveals the following facts that are useful to the beginner:
(a) 'kolme' and
'three' each have five letters;
(b) 'viisi' and 'five'
are both formed around the letters 'v' and 'i';
(c) 'seitsemän' and
'seven' seem to share a common root (apparently a word beginning with
's').
Other cues for the
acquisition of numerals:
1. Forget the English
numerals altogether. This done, you will have to learn the Finnish ones in
order to tell the time. If you should run into problems when using
English at a later stage you can consult a Finnish-English dictionary, or,
when you need
numerals up to twenty,
make use of fingers and toes.
2. Do not waste time
learning numerals higher than 20,000,000. It is unlikely that you will
ever have that much money, even in Finnmarks.
Months and Days:
Say 'the first day,'
'the third day,' 'the second month,' 'the next-to-last month,' etc. This
will save you the two years it takes to learn these names and shifts the
burden of labour over to the person you are talking to.
The Direct Object
Most Finnish grammars
are particularly easy to understand on this point.
The basic idea is: In
Finnish the direct object (commonly called the accusative object) may
occur in the nominative, the genitive, or the partitive case. In order to
make things easier to understand,
nominative and genitive are called accusative. There is also a real
accusative which is not called anything at all.
Utmost care must be
applied when interpreting the grammatical terminology. If you encounter
the word 'accusative,' it can mean nominative or genitive, but never the
real accusative. The term 'nominative' can mean accusative or, possibly,
nominative. 'Genitive' can mean accusative or simply genitive, while
partitive is always called partitive, although it may be accusative.
Verbs
The best piece of
advice is do not use verbs at all. Sometimes you may find it a little
difficult to pursue a meaningful conversation without one, but with
diligent practice you will become adept at this. We reduced the number of
conversational errors by 20% after discovering the method of omitting
verbs. Another 15% can be eliminated by omitting all adjectives, adverbs
and pronouns, although at this point conversation tends to sink to an
extremely superficial level, unless you are very good with your hands.
Pronunciation
Some difficult sounds:
ää : like 'e' in 'expatiatory,'
but longer and more intense. Mouth as open as possible, ears backward and
plastered to head.
äy : half palatal, half
alveolar, half dental. Look disgusted.
yö: be very, very
careful with this one.
uu: as in Arabic.
r: a forceful trill.
Loose dentures will be an advantage here.
Conclusion
We hope that this
article will be of great help to all those who wrestle with the
question of whether to study Finnish. For those already studying the
language, this method can provide helpful and easy applications for using
conversational Finnish. As to the question of the prospect of Finnish as a
global language, I think I do not misspeak myself by saying that the work
of this article should settle the matter clearly and finally.
Source:
http://www.johnjemerson.com/finn2.htm
"Migraines strike twice as many women as do men."
"All my life
I've always wanted to be somebody. But I see now I should have been more
specific."
Scientific Jargon
Dyrk Schingman
Oregon State University
After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned
scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions will help
you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN..."
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT..."
These data are practically useless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS..."
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY..."
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN..."
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT..."
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES..."
He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE..."
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE..."
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES..."
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT..."
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT..."
A couple of other guys think so too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE..."
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO THE STATISTICAL ANALYSIS..."
Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS..."
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA..."
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE
UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS..."
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES..."
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISSTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND ANDREA
SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS..."
Mr. Blotz did the experiment and Ms. Schaeffer explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY..."
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD..."
I quit.
Source:
http://www.psych.upenn.edu/~mims/FUNNY/scientificjargon.html
"The assembly passed and sent to the senate a
bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in
penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo. "
"Yoko Ono will talk about her husband John Lennon who was killed
in an interview with Barbara Walters."
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be
replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so
that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well
abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse
and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5
doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz
and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud
fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now
jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th"
rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl,
kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
Source:
http://dept.physics.upenn.edu/~heiney/jokes/twain.html
"I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I
tried-but they wanted cash. ""We will
sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
How I Met My Wife
-Jack Winter/The New Yorker
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant,
despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing
alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array.
Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it
since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see
both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if
anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my
manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was
evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as
flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were
slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a
candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent
reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads
or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it
nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I
had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this
were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in
situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay,
I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong
givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare
a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I
started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that
I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect
nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and
we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a
godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was
committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have
given her my love, and she has requited it.
Source:
http://www.ojohaven.com/fun/negations.html
"A hard man is good to find."
"I'm so laid back I fell off. "
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections
against insects."
The Importance of Correct Punctuation
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever
when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
"Chief Blue, the last full-blooded Catawba
Indian Chief died in 1959. The Evening Herald incorrectly said Wednesday that he
died three years ago due to a reporting error. "
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries,
vanes and caterpillars. "
| abdicate |
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach |
| balderdash |
a rapidly receding hairline |
| bustard |
a very rude bus driver |
| carcinoma |
a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog |
| circumvent |
the opening in the front of boxer shorts |
| coffee |
a person who is coughed upon |
| esplanade |
to attempt an explanation while drunk |
| flabbergasted |
appalled over how much weight you have gained |
| flatulence |
the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller |
| gargoyle |
an olive-flavored mouthwash |
| internet |
the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare President Bill
Clinton |
| lymph |
to walk with a lisp |
| Macadam |
the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible |
| marionettes |
residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked around by the mayor
|
| negligent |
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in
your nightie |
| oyster |
a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions
|
| rectitude |
the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately
before he or she examines you |
| semantics |
pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including
such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just
before vespers |
| testicle |
a humorous question on an exam |
| equator |
A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. |
| germinate |
To become a naturalized German |
| liter |
A nest of young puppies. |
| magnet |
Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. |
| momentum |
What you give a person when they are going away. |
| planet |
A body of Earth surrounded by sky. |
| rhubarb |
A kind of celery gone bloodshot. |
| vacuum |
A large, empty space where the pope lives. |
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not
breathe, you expire."
"One
witness told the commissioners that she had seen sexual intercourse taking place
between two parked cars in front of her house. "
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with Ken."
"No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is
not found in a free state."
The following is the answer to an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so profound that the professor
shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it
as well.
Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
So did this student, but with a twist:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if
you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are
more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than
one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
freshman year "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN.
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"Maxwell House Airlines-good to the last
drop!"
"You can't judge a book by its movie. "
A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under
the baton of Milton Katims.
At this point, you must understand two things:
- There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have
a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
- There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had
played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down
their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking
and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street
and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said,
"Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place,
replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string
around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there,
Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with
one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little
tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's
face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not?
After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were
loaded.
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"The comedian Dick Gregory tells of walking up to a lunch
counter in Mississippi during the days of racial segregation. The waitress said
to him, 'We don't serve colored people.' 'That's fine,' he replied, 'I don't eat
colored people. I'd like a piece of chicken.'"
The Writing on the Wall
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: a woman, a
donkey, a shovel, a fish, and the Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find, and that the writings were at least
three thousand years old. They chopped out the pieces of stone and had them
brought to the museum, where archaeologists from all over the world came to
study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences to discuss the meaning of
the markings, they held a huge meeting.
The president of the scholarly society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that the race was
family-oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were
intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to
have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of
some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of
their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth,
they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of
David, which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded
enthusiastically.
Then a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said: "Idiots!
Hebrews read from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that
woman!'"
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"The sewer
expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their
breath until it is officially finished."
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'.
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy-but that could change.
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people.
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Mars is essentially in the same orbit . Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
there is no oxygen, that means we can breathe.
The future will be better tomorrow.
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it.
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"Tonight's program discusses stress, exercise, nutrition, and sex with Celtic
forward Scott Wedman, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, and Dick Cavett."
- Go buy a turkey.
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) or JD.
- Put turkey in the oven.
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
- Set the degree at 375 ovens.
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
- Turn oven the on.
- Take 4 whisks of drinky.
- Turk the bastey.
- Whiskey another bottle of get.
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
- Take the oven out of the turkey.
- Take the oven out of the turkey.
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
- Turk the carvey.
- Get yourself another scottle of botch.
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"The skeleton
is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been
taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
Lexical ambiguity
There is a tiny hamlet in North Yorkshire, England, called Bedlam. At the
edge of the village is a sign saying, ``Welcome to Bedlam.'' (via David
Richerby).
Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or
further steps will be taken.
Pragmatics
In a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes
out.
In another office:
After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on
the draining board.
Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife
along and get a wonderful bargain.
Quicksand warning:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the
District Council.
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the
first floor.
Other
In a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs.
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't
work)
On a church door:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept
locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"It's not true I had nothing on. I had the
radio on. (Marilyn Monroe)"
Sarchasm and related terms
The Washington Post's Style Invitational has again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, to supply a new definition. Here are some winners:
| arachnoleptic fit |
the frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web |
| beelzebug |
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out |
| bozone |
the substance surrounding stupid people, which stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future. |
| burglesque |
a poorly planned break-in |
| cashtration |
the act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period. |
| caterpallor |
the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit
you're eating |
| decafalon |
the grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you |
| Dopeler effect |
the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly |
| foreploy |
any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex |
| giraffiti |
vandalism spray-painted very, very high |
| glibido |
all talk and no action |
| hipatitis |
terminal coolness |
| ignoranus |
a person who's both stupid and an asshole |
| inoculatte |
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late
|
| intaxication |
euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with |
| Karmageddon |
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer. |
| osteopornosis |
a degenerate disease |
| reintarnation |
coming back to life as a hillbilly |
| sarchasm |
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it |
| tatyr |
a lecherous Mr. Potato Head |
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
- About those sentence fragments.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. They're old hat.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- Be more or less specific.
- Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
- Contractions aren't necessary.
- Corect spelling is esential.
- Do not put statements in the negative form.
- Don't be redundant and don't use more words than necessary or be highly
superfluous.
- Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
- Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
- Don't use no double negatives.
- Don't write run-on sentences, they are hard to read.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in their writing.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
- If you reread your work, you can find on rereading that a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
- Its important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
- Just between you and I, case is important.
- Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
- One should never generalize.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of
ten or more words, to their antecedents.
- Prepositions are terrible words to end sentences with.
- Proofread your writing to see if any words out and to avoid misteaks.
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- Take the bull by the hand, and avoid mixing metaphors.
- The adverb always follows the verb.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Understatement is absolutely, positively best.
- Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
- Verbs has to agree with their subject.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
"Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and
hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again. (R. M., Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball
wouldn't. (R. B., Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
vegetable soup. (P. S., Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy"
comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (R. A., Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (C. S.,
Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (R.
B., Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung
but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (K. K., Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (J. B., Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease. (G. F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(R. B., Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (J. H., Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr Pepper can. (W. G., Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (P. K., Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. (R. B., Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (B. F.,
Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (C. S., Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Source:
http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/
Links
Phonetics Labs
Haskins Laboratories
Vocal Tract
Visualization Laboratory (University of Maryland)
The UCLA Phonetics Lab
Reference
British-American
Dictionary
Grammar Slammer
Language Log
Linguistics Glossary
Phrontistery - Compilation of Obscure Words
Humor
Various Linguistics Humor
The Linguistics Fun Page
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